None of my very close friends or family have gotten pregnant until now. And, this one stings.
My friend J (who I also work with) said she needed to tell me something yesterday so we went for a walk. How did I not guess her news? I truly thought she wanted to tell me some work gossip.
It's lovely of her to want to tell me so early and before word got out because she knows how we've struggled.
But, there is more to this story.
She and I were pregnant with our second babies at the same time, we had the exact same due date in fact. Only our stories ended very differently. I had a funeral for mine and not too long after, she delivered a gorgeous healthy son.
James and I have been trying for another one ever since we were given the all clear in 2012. Nearly two years now and I still don't have a baby and she's on her third.
Now let me say, I'm happy for her. She wanted another one and she's getting another one. Even though I knew she was going for a third, I thought it would take a while since she's a few years older than me. But no, she pretty much got it the first shot. This is the first announcement that has hit me directly in the gut.
The thing is, it took hours before it had an effect on me. When she told me I was completely happy and told her it was kind to worry about me but I was fine. I said it because, I thought I was.
But, I was at work and had my mind on a deadline and once I had down time to think about it, I was gutted.
Not gutted that she is pregnant but, gutted that pregnancy has once again passed me by in favor of another. It sounds so incredibly selfish but, I feel like others keep getting my miracle.
And on top of that, she's team May Baby. Something I had my heart set on so much last month.
To add insult to injury, as James dropped me off at work this morning I saw a woman who works for my company but on a different floor. She had her first baby a couple months after I had Nathan.
I haven't seen her in a while and guess what? She's looking at least 7 months pregnant.
Am I somehow not deserving of another baby?
Have I done something so awful to make me not worthy?
Are my husband and I not good enough parents to the one we have?
Or, does the universe just hate me?
And right now, I don't even have an RE. I don't know if the one I'm interviewing next month (or, are they interviewing me?) will even take me on.
Please tell me, how do I keep my spirits up?
Not a rhetorical question my friends, I'm really asking for ideas on keeping my spirits up.