Because dammit, I will it so!

"Come, death, and welcome! Juliet wills it so."
-William Shakespeare Romeo and Juliet

I made an important decision today; I'm going to get pregnant on my own the old fashioned way.
And, I'm going to do it before January.

Okay,okay -  maybe I'm feeling a little full of myself with my weight loss success (9 pounds in 11 days!).

However, I am going to give it my all these next four months. I'm going to continue to focus on weight loss, but, I don't want to give up on my own miracle happening.

So, I will myself to get pregnant.

It's not even breaking new ground. This is something I've done before - a few times in fact.

Let's face it, I've had much better success without fertility treatments than with.
I'm aware that I'm older now and things have changed (most importantly, my cervix). But, it doesn't mean for one second it's not worth trying.

Trying for me will mean sticking with OPK's and/or the fertility monitor (which I love, by the way), checking for EWCM and timed BD.

If only we can get Ryan back to sleeping in his own bed...

Finding some positivity among disappointment

At 14DPIUI I tested BFN.
No surprise of course but, yes, I was a tiny bit disappointed. You're always hoping for a miracle, right?

I stopped the progesterone after that. I know I was going to keep it going until 18DPIUI and test one more time but honestly, I've known for some time now that it didn't work. I don't see any point in prolonging it.

I've been tossing around the idea of not tracking anything for the next four months. No OPK's, no fertility monitor and no recording data on an app.

As The Beatles would say "Let It Be".

When I notice EWCM I'll make sure to throw is some BDing but, I want to relax for a bit. I've been tracking, POAS and everything else for nearly two years. It's time to BD for fun, again - whenever - and not think about what the timing is.

When the time comes, will I be able to stick to the plan and not check an OPK? I don't know. It feels like one of those things that's easy to say but maybe not so easy to do. We'll see.

Remember I said my RE suggested I lose ten pounds before getting started on IVF? And, you might also remember that I said that the reality is, I have quite a bit more than that to lose.

Well, today was weigh-in #1 and the first week I lost 5 pounds! That's quite a good start, I think. And it's motivated me to keep going.

More about that can be read here (for people who have the password).

Everyone have a good weekend!

PS - you might notice that I have kind of stolen TTC In My 40's blog postings style. Well, they say imitation is the sincerest form of flattery!

Time to trigger

Since my E2 was 295 yesterday, I was called in for another ultrasound this morning.

Right side:
R1 - 18
R2 - 16

Left side:
Nothing

I have to do a trigger 4AM tomorrow for a Thursday afternoon (CD 11) IUI.
This feels early to me. My fertility monitor only gave me a high reading this morning and last month when I triggered, my E2 was 549.

One hiccup, though. Yesterday the doctor noticed some fluid on the ultrasound. Today, the nurse mentioned it too and asked if I was still spotting. I'm not, so we don't know what that pocket of fluid is.

She said if this were IVF transfer, it would be cancelled if that fluid was there the day of the transfer. Fluid can cause an embryo to not implant.

Because of that, on Thursday they're going to do another ultrasound before the IUI to see if the fluid is still there. She also said the fluid wouldn't necessarily mean that we have to cancel because by the time implantation occurs, the fluid could be gone. We'll see what the ultrasound shows on Thursday afternoon.

Gut instinct tells me this isn't going to be a successful cycle. Not because of the fluid or even because I'm trying to prepare myself for the worst. I don't know where gut instinct comes from really, but, mine is telling me this isn't working out.

Brianna mentioned in a comment that "low and slow" is the way to do this. And, I realized she's exactly right. And one thing this cycle hasn't been is low or slow.

The thing about IUI is I feel like success is just outside of my grasp. However, a little tweak here and a little adjustment there and I feel like we would have success. We're not dealing with MFI which is a huge impediment for a successful IUI. I have a history of getting pregnant and even bringing forth children from pregnancies.

Granted, my last successful pregnancy (yes, I consider Nathan a successful pregnancy) was over two years ago and I'm 39 now. So, IVF makes sense. Right?

But, I don't exactly have a history of miscarriages from IUI either. Four attempts has netted me one CP. That's not really a bad track record given that a woman my age is expected to get pregnant 1/12 attempts (at best).

Anyway, make it through this cycle first, right?
One thing at a time grasshopper.

Post IUI round-up

As mentioned before, Friday morning I had an ultrasound and blood work done to see where the follies stood.

I had one mature follie and I had a positive OPK that morning and all we needed was the blood work to confirm it was time to trigger. 

At 3:30PM Friday the trigger was done at work and this is the first IUI done less than 36 hours after the trigger. In fact, it was done about 20 hours after the trigger. The doctor told me this was fine because I was on my way to ovulating on my own, anyway. Ovulation has never been an issue for me, I ovulate on my own every month.

While I had a positive OPK on Friday the Fertility monitor didn't show a "peak" reading until Saturday morning. This made me feel very good about the timing.

James provided excellent numbers again. I forgot to ask for a copy of the SA but I do remember that it was a high count post-wash and motility was excellent. 

Sunday I was still seeing a bit of EWCM so I think, maybe, I might have ovulated Sunday. If so, I much prefer the timing of this IUI even thought it was very different than other cycles. If I'm right about that, then it's possible there would have been enough time for a second egg to mature and release. 

Yesterday I was really not feeling well and around 3AM this morning I woke up very sick. Oh great, another stomach bug of some sort.

This, of course, has me doom & gloom thinking that if I have some kind of virus, my body is going to work extra hard to fight that instead of concerning itself with my cause of implanting a fertilized egg. 

My doctor gave me the paperwork to get my HCG Beta done on Thursday 8/7 but I made the appointment on Friday 8/8 instead because that's our fifth wedding anniversary. I feel like that's just good juju.

7 to 3 to 1 (or, Fukity, fuk, fuk!) Now with afternoon update!

Today's appointment did NOT go as planned!

To recap, last Saturday I had 7 potential follies. All under 10 and I was hoping for no more than 3.

Blood work:

Estrogen 81

LH 4.7

On Tuesday I returned and there were 3 growing pretty nicely at 12mm, 11mm, 11mm.

Blood work:

Estrogen 233

LH 5.2

Yesterday morning I got a "high" reading on my fertility monitor and OPK. Things are looking good, then!

That brings us to today.

OPK = Peak

FM = High

Hmm... 

Ultrasound this morning now shows 16mm, 11mm & 12mm.

So, one barely grew the other didn't grow at all and the last is on it's way to being mature. 

That would indicate the fertility monitor was the more accurate and that's good to know.

(Blood work pending)

I told my RE about the OPK this morning so she said we'll see what the blood work shows but I am scheduled for an IUI tomorrow late morning unless blood work suggests it's too early.

My frustration is with the two follicles that didn't grow much/at all. WTF?! I got the same result on Clomid at 1/2 the cost and no needles!

I voiced my frustration to the doctor and she said injectibles are a numbers game the first time. You don't want to go too high and run a risk of ten mature follicles and having to cancel the IUI. Now we know how I respond to 100iu and if we don't have success this month, we'll up it a tiny bit next month.

Okay, fair enough. But, I feel like last month was my "next month" moment. I don't know if that makes sense but I'm sick of saying "next month". Next month is the one where we'll change this and this and then it will work! Eureka, the secret formula!

I'm whining, I know. I'm paying way less for Gonal-f that most women and for that I'm grateful. I'm not paying for the IUI at all and I have to remember to thank my lucky stars for James' new job that is providing us with all this. 

So, please ladies, be aware that I understand how my whining might sound to many of you who are struggling and have the financial burden as well.

But hey, the bright side... no risk of multiples this month!

PS - Please don't forget to comment on my previous post to win the four leaf clover!

UPDATE:
Doctor called close to 3PM
Estrogen 549
LH 31.8

So yeah, I'm surging.
I'm at work and my very brave co-worker (and friend) watched the video with me and then gave me the trigger shot. Seriously, I owe her because she did a great job.

That Estrogen number would indicate that only one follie will release an egg. Still a little disappointed about that so let's hope it's a good one!

IUI at 11:30AM tomorrow. Here we go!