Finding some positivity among disappointment

At 14DPIUI I tested BFN.
No surprise of course but, yes, I was a tiny bit disappointed. You're always hoping for a miracle, right?

I stopped the progesterone after that. I know I was going to keep it going until 18DPIUI and test one more time but honestly, I've known for some time now that it didn't work. I don't see any point in prolonging it.

I've been tossing around the idea of not tracking anything for the next four months. No OPK's, no fertility monitor and no recording data on an app.

As The Beatles would say "Let It Be".

When I notice EWCM I'll make sure to throw is some BDing but, I want to relax for a bit. I've been tracking, POAS and everything else for nearly two years. It's time to BD for fun, again - whenever - and not think about what the timing is.

When the time comes, will I be able to stick to the plan and not check an OPK? I don't know. It feels like one of those things that's easy to say but maybe not so easy to do. We'll see.

Remember I said my RE suggested I lose ten pounds before getting started on IVF? And, you might also remember that I said that the reality is, I have quite a bit more than that to lose.

Well, today was weigh-in #1 and the first week I lost 5 pounds! That's quite a good start, I think. And it's motivated me to keep going.

More about that can be read here (for people who have the password).

Everyone have a good weekend!

PS - you might notice that I have kind of stolen TTC In My 40's blog postings style. Well, they say imitation is the sincerest form of flattery!

Operation May Baby = Bust

11DPIUI = BFN

Ah well, I called it last week, anyway. This kind of cramping has PMS written all over it.

Since I've decided to forego the blood test this cycle, I'll test again at 14DPIUI and again and 18DPIUI just to be sure it's safe to stop the progesterone suppositories.

Funny story regarding this morning's HPT.
I woke up early and everyone else is asleep - hoorah, I get a little alone time!

In the master bathroom I grab a Wondfo and head downstairs. Once downstairs I go directly into the little bathroom where I take the test.

I set it aside thinking I'll return in two or three minutes to read the results. However, I get sidetracked by cat vomit. It takes me several minutes to dispose of it then clean the carpet. Then, I discover more cat vomit. Great.

Once I finish cleaning up this lovely surprise I remember the test and think to myself "damn it's definitely been over three minutes. If the test shows even a faint line, I'll have to test again to be sure".

Good one, Jessica!

That test, after at least 7 minutes, was as stark white as new fallen snow.

I will have to invest in a box of FRER since I'm skipping the blood test this cycle. My Wondfo's have an expiration of 9/2014 so I can't fully trust them before ending progesterone.

You might wonder why I'm skipping the blood test at all.
This is what I wrote on a forum post:

I did my 5th IUI ten days ago and, as a matter of protocol, my RE sends me to get an HCG quant, Progesterone (STAT) at 12DPIUI. 

Every time it's been negative (except for one CP in April) and a week later I get a bill for $35 just to be told I'm not pregnant. 

At this point, I'm tired of the waste of money. For one $35 blood test I can get a few boxes of HPT's that will last several months. 

My doctor likes the blood test to be done to confirm but, this was my last IUI before moving on to IVF in January. 

I doubt my RE or his staff are waiting for my blood test results with baited breath and will hop on the phone to call me if they never arrive. 

I have all the PMS signs so I know that I've had another failed month. What's the point in spending another $35 to confirm that? 

If I were going to try again right away then I'd go get the blood test done because I know my doctor wouldn't proceed without the confirming results. 

However, since I'm taking a four month break from treatments, it's okay to skip the hassle of the blood work, right? 

I figured I'd take an HPT at 14DPIUI and again at 18DPIUI and when it's negative, stop taking the progesterone and let AF come. 

So far I've spent $245 to be told I'm not pregnant. Granted, three blood tests were from a CP that we were monitoring to see if there would be a rise and then to see if it fell.

None the less, that's a lot of money to find out something that, at best, an $.88 test from Wal-Mart can tell me.

Alright, it's taken me nearly an hour to write this post because First Born woke up and requested I put his race track together (then told me I did it backwards, so I had to fix it) and then husband woke up.

So, it's time to put this update to rest. I'll be back soon (if I can find anything to talk about).

Happy Labor Day to my American readers!

The calm before the disappointment

My husband pointed out this is a mixed metaphor. Still, it's apt.

The thing is, I know that the chances of an IUI working for me is less than 10% even with 88 million sperm vying for the love of one egg.

And now that we've agreed pursuing IVF next, I have ignored this TWW altogether. With that being said, I think I will still be disappointed next week when I get the inevitable BFN.

Now I can look back on the IUI journey and think about how much hope I had wrapped up in it. I'm not going to lie, I was 100% convinced IUI would work for us. In my head I was rearranging the 4th bedroom into a nursery. I was coming up with good arguments as to why we shouldn't find out the sex beforehand. It was a sure thing.

Until it wasn't.

So now, to distract myself (between my marathon of Gossip Girl episodes - don't judge) I have been doing as much research as possible on IVF, embryologists, clinics, assisted hatching and anything else I can think of.

I liked to be armed with information (you might recall my RE told me months ago that I am the most well prepared and informed patient he has ever had).

My in-laws are coming late next month and after that we'll decide when to start the IVF protocol.

In the mean time I'll focus on losing weight, getting back on track with healthy habits and working on just getting myself out of this total funk I've been in.

I'd like the blame that funk on the medicine, and it might be true. But, I'm also sure it has something to do with trying, and failing, month after month.

A break will be good for me. I need to find my positivity and motivation again. I'm not naturally a negative person. I haven't liked that side of me and it's been my own personal rain cloud all summer.

I love Fall and it's almost here, giving me every reason to accept good vibes back into my life.

The official results

No surprise since I took a test yesterday but this month is a failed cycle.

Surprisingly, I didn't take it very hard. I suppose that's because I already knew, the blood test was just a formality.

However, I did think this month was our best shot yet because the timing just felt so much more compatible (if that makes sense).

I'm not sure where we'll go from here. James and I discussed it a bit a couple days ago and we'll have to circle back to that conversation over the weekend.

As I'm sure you recall, I was thinking of taking a month (or two) break. Now, that we're here with the results in hand (so to speak) that decision feels different.

Not wrong, though. Just, a little less emphatic.

So we'll do something thinking and some talking.

One thing I can take away from this month is taking an HPT beforehand did lessen the anxiety of blood draw day. I wasn't on tenterhooks all day waiting for the phone to ring.

My dear friend took me out to lunch and I barely thought about it until the call came.

This might also be the effect of it being my wedding anniversary and I just feel so happy today.

I want to add (and I've said this before) that the people following my journey are amazing! I have dozens and dozens (and sometimes more) that read every post and I'm blown away by that.
Some are friends and family I know IRL but most are ladies who are going through the same struggles trying to get their baby.

And, I've said this before, too; the stories people are telling me privately away from this message board are incredible. I'm so honored that you share with me. Most all of them are heartbreaking but, ultimately, triumphant. You (along with my family and friends) give me the strength to continue.

I have to accept that someone has to be last and that might just end up being me. That doesn't mean I'm not excited about your success stories. Every single one gives me hope.

Today I am happy despite the result. How can I not be when I'm surrounded by so much love and encouragement!

Have a great weekend everyone!