I choose to jump

"Jump or stay in the boat."

-Margaret Stohl, Beautiful Darkness

Or am I choosing to stay in the boat?

Either way, I'm signed up for another cycle.

Good news:

• I have 4 IUI cycles left
• I've reached the point where insurance will pay for IVF (4 cycles)
• They pay for assisted hatching!

Bad news:

• It's not likely they'll pay for ICSI because the only criteria for that is 2 abnormal sperm samples two weeks apart. My husband has excellent sperm.
• PGD is only paid for if we're both tested for a host of genetic factors and it's determined either of us are carriers of some sort of mutation. Unlikely since we've had two children with no genetic problems. Recurrent pregnancy loss and a stillbirth aren't factors at all.

Sad news:

• My friend is moving away. We've become close to her family after meeting through a stillborn support network. Her first daughter was stillborn the year Ryan was born. She's gone on to have two other beautiful daughters who I adore. She is an outstanding person and her husband is wonderful. Her husband and my husband both are Cricket fans and both support Liverpool. I love getting together with this family. But, life has called them to an opportunity is Georgia and they're leaving in a few weeks. It makes me sad because she and her husband are the only people we know in person who understand what it's like to have gone through what we did with Nathan. They understand the absolute pain of having a family member missing.
• We had a play date with one of Ryan's friends this weekend. I have become very friendly with his mom and I've confided our struggles with her. It turns out she's been there, too, having more than one failed IVF cycles herself. (She went on to conceive her two boys naturally!) Anyway, she sent me an email today saying I seemed down on Saturday when we met up. I honestly though I was hiding the disappointment quite well. Turns out I was wrong. But, I'm glad she asked because it let's me know that I need to make more effort in finding things to lift me up, even when things are very difficult. I have never been a mopey person and I don't want to become one now!

As for the IVF struggle going on in my head - obviously I chose to put that off another month. But, I did call the insurance company (who were very helpful and reassuring) and got all the information I needed/wanted regarding IVF.

So, I've taken the first steps towards accepting that IVF is probably the next rung in our infertility ladder. 

I never thought we'd be here. I never thought that getting pregnant would require multiple people in the room with me and one of them wouldn't even be my husband. 

The official results

No surprise since I took a test yesterday but this month is a failed cycle.

Surprisingly, I didn't take it very hard. I suppose that's because I already knew, the blood test was just a formality.

However, I did think this month was our best shot yet because the timing just felt so much more compatible (if that makes sense).

I'm not sure where we'll go from here. James and I discussed it a bit a couple days ago and we'll have to circle back to that conversation over the weekend.

As I'm sure you recall, I was thinking of taking a month (or two) break. Now, that we're here with the results in hand (so to speak) that decision feels different.

Not wrong, though. Just, a little less emphatic.

So we'll do something thinking and some talking.

One thing I can take away from this month is taking an HPT beforehand did lessen the anxiety of blood draw day. I wasn't on tenterhooks all day waiting for the phone to ring.

My dear friend took me out to lunch and I barely thought about it until the call came.

This might also be the effect of it being my wedding anniversary and I just feel so happy today.

I want to add (and I've said this before) that the people following my journey are amazing! I have dozens and dozens (and sometimes more) that read every post and I'm blown away by that.
Some are friends and family I know IRL but most are ladies who are going through the same struggles trying to get their baby.

And, I've said this before, too; the stories people are telling me privately away from this message board are incredible. I'm so honored that you share with me. Most all of them are heartbreaking but, ultimately, triumphant. You (along with my family and friends) give me the strength to continue.

I have to accept that someone has to be last and that might just end up being me. That doesn't mean I'm not excited about your success stories. Every single one gives me hope.

Today I am happy despite the result. How can I not be when I'm surrounded by so much love and encouragement!

Have a great weekend everyone!