Monday, August 11, 2014

I choose to jump

"Jump or stay in the boat."
-Margaret Stohl, Beautiful Darkness

Or am I choosing to stay in the boat?

Either way, I'm signed up for another cycle.

Good news:
  • I have 4 IUI cycles left
  • I've reached the point where insurance will pay for IVF (4 cycles)
  • They pay for assisted hatching!
Bad news:
  • It's not likely they'll pay for ICSI because the only criteria for that is 2 abnormal sperm samples two weeks apart. My husband has excellent sperm.
  • PGD is only paid for if we're both tested for a host of genetic factors and it's determined either of us are carriers of some sort of mutation. Unlikely since we've had two children with no genetic problems. Recurrent pregnancy loss and a stillbirth aren't factors at all.
Sad news:
  • My friend is moving away. We've become close to her family after meeting through a stillborn support network. Her first daughter was stillborn the year Ryan was born. She's gone on to have two other beautiful daughters who I adore. She is an outstanding person and her husband is wonderful. Her husband and my husband both are Cricket fans and both support Liverpool. I love getting together with this family. But, life has called them to an opportunity is Georgia and they're leaving in a few weeks. It makes me sad because she and her husband are the only people we know in person who understand what it's like to have gone through what we did with Nathan. They understand the absolute pain of having a family member missing.
  • We had a play date with one of Ryan's friends this weekend. I have become very friendly with his mom and I've confided our struggles with her. It turns out she's been there, too, having more than one failed IVF cycles herself. (She went on to conceive her two boys naturally!) Anyway, she sent me an email today saying I seemed down on Saturday when we met up. I honestly though I was hiding the disappointment quite well. Turns out I was wrong. But, I'm glad she asked because it let's me know that I need to make more effort in finding things to lift me up, even when things are very difficult. I have never been a mopey person and I don't want to become one now!
As for the IVF struggle going on in my head - obviously I chose to put that off another month. But, I did call the insurance company (who were very helpful and reassuring) and got all the information I needed/wanted regarding IVF.

So, I've taken the first steps towards accepting that IVF is probably the next rung in our infertility ladder. 

I never thought we'd be here. I never thought that getting pregnant would require multiple people in the room with me and one of them wouldn't even be my husband. 


  1. Replies
    1. We're extremely fortunate! When my husband started his new job and we saw the infertility benefits I thought it was too good to be true.
      Turns out it's just excellent insurance and his company cares enough to give them top shelf benefits.

  2. I wish you didn't need the benefit, but am so thrilled that you get IVF covered!

    Jon always likes to try to lighten tense situations with humor, so I can recall several moments where these words came out of his mouth:

    "Dr. Olive, this is the third time I've watched you try to get my wife pregnant."

    "My sperm are so awesome, I could not even be in the same state as you and still get you pregnant."

    It doesn't take away the feelings of NEEDING other people's help in conceiving, but it does give a lighter, more humorous perspective. Just think of what you could tell a little one: You are so rare, that it took a dozen people to help make you. Not silly, but true nonetheless.

    1. Your husband sounds very much like mine, he likes to use humor in these situations, too. Sometimes I laugh and sometimes I shoot him a look that says "say something funny and you're sleeping on the couch tonight". ;-)

      And may aunt says the same thing regarding our next baby - they'll never understand the effort that was put into bringing him/her into the world. They better appreciate it!