Friday, April 24, 2015

1,022 days

Or, 2 years, 9 months & 18 days.
146 weeks.

That's how long it has been since Nathan died.

And, I still can't handle baby showers. I tried and I guess overall it was a success. I mean, I stayed until the end (it was a work shower).

But, it was hard. I cried. The mommy-to-be cried as I cried. Thankfully, nearly everyone was gone by then and not many witnessed my blubbering.

She's having a boy and seeing all the decorations was incredibly hard.

Please understand, it's not that I'm not thrilled for her because I am. The whole thing just felt so... familiar.

This is my friend who was pregnant with me before. We had the same due date. She has a lovely son who is nearly 3 (plus a second son due very soon) and I'm here praying every night my daughter makes it to birth. Just let me keep her, please.

I thought finally being pregnant would make it easier but... nope. It was still heartbreaking.

And, well meaning colleagues said things like "it will be your turn next".

It's a very awkward dichotomy to be happily pregnant but, still mourning the loss of my son.

My friend suggested maybe once I give birth to baby girl, I'll feel a sense of closure and it will allow me to handle baby showers (boy baby showers?) better.

Part of me thinks yes but, I'm not sure. I guess only time will tell.

I really did think I'd be okay today.


  1. it's okay to be not okay sometimes <3

  2. Oh hun, I so feel for you. Both emotions are real but so difficult to reconcile.. And maybe reconciling is not what it's about, but allowing both the heartbreak and the happiness space. And crying when you need to.. even if it's at the end of a baby shower. I'm glad you had your friend there to share your tears..

    These things are hard, so hard. And you're doing incredibly well in all of this. I pray for you and your baby girl, too.xx

  3. I'm so sorry for your pain. I can only imagine how difficult it is. Even as an infertile, prior to any loss, baby showers have been tough for me. At one co-worker's shower (because it's so much harder to avoid the co-worker ones, isn't it?) she opened up this adorable onesie that said something about Daddy's little puppy, and my eyes filled with tears and I had to excuse myself almost immediately. At another's (this one for a close friend), I came home and bawled on my couch for hours. It's tough, these rituals, and while I'm looking forward to someday having my own shower, I don't know that it WILL feel any better. Will I sit there, mourning all of the years I lost, trying to make a baby? I honestly don't know.

  4. I'm glad you made it through. I've only been to two baby showers since our losses, both of them co-workers, so I know some of what you've just been through. I'm glad you were able to let the tears out.

  5. ICLW #10 Visitor. I feel your pain. I remember going to showers and such, after a loss ... and it being so hard on my emotions. Grief never ends, it just changes. You probably will never be able to go to showers without that grief seeping in, hopefully, with time, it'll get easier, but it will always be there. And your little girl doesn't replace your son, at all. But she is his little sister. I know it's hard to feel like maybe you are "replacing" him, but you aren't. You could never do that. you are just making him a big brother :) Many hugs!!