Freaking the f**ck out!

Where do I even begin?

1. I no longer have an OB.
The OB who delivered Ryan has retired from OB work. He's going to be doing GYN only going forward. This freaked me out enough to bring me to the brink of tears. This doctor saw me through 3 pregnancies and was well and truly upset when Nathan was stillborn. He wasn't there with me at the time because he was in the same hospital having emergency open heart surgery.

While he was recovering from that major event in his life, he got the news about Nathan and he called me from his own sick bed to tell me how sorry he was that he wasn't there for us.

I knew his retirement was probably coming after that, but, I was hoping to have him deliver one last baby of ours. Now, it's too late. I didn't get pregnant and his OB days are over. After what I've been through, I will find it hard to trust another doctor. I don't even know how to pick one. I don't want another one, I want him.

Yes, I realize I'm not even pregnant and this is all a moot point unless I become pregnant. Which may never happen since...

2. I no longer have an RE.
I've officially fired my RE's office. For one, their billing department is atrocious. The bad online reviews I read were almost exclusively about their poor billing department. At the time I thought, "who cares, they get me pregnant and we can sort out the  billing". Well, I'm not pregnant and the reviews were right, billing department is dreadful.

My insurance company has been trying to contact them for over a month. Last night they read off to me every attempt to contact them they've made. Even my insurance company can't figure out what the hell they're doing.

This morning, on a whim, I called myself and spoke with the billing department. She was rude and called my insurance company liars. She said they haven't been calling her. I got frustrated and told her she'll be getting a call from them today and I needed her to answer the phone.

Her response? "I don't sit by my phone all day. I can't guarantee I'll answer when they call." The woman was full of attitude our entire conversation.

On top of that, last month they sent all my blood work to LabCorp instead of Quest which means I have to pay 100% out-of-pocket for it because my insurance doesn't have an agreement with LabCorp.

When you're getting blood work done almost every other day, you can imagine how quickly that adds up. I now owe LabCorp hundreds of dollars which we, obviously, didn't budget for.

Also, at that last IUI, my husband refused to pay the $250 for the sperm wash until they sorted out the billing. We can expect that bill to come in the mail soon and as far as I'm concerned, they can wait forever for it.

Their in-house lab doesn't participate in any insurance. So, anything you do there like sperm wash for IUI,  ICSI, Assisted Hatching (which I was planning to do since insurance will pay for it) and PGD have to be paid out-of-pocket.

The office itself is in-network but their lab isn't. What good is that?!

So, I'm done with them.

3. Despite doing everything right, I've gained weight.
I stepped on the scale three different days and it's not budging either. I am up four pounds from my weigh-in Friday. WTF?!

I know I shouldn't be weighing myself every day but this current situation is upsetting me. I'm staying off until Friday and recording whatever weight is there, even if it's a higher weight.

I can't even begin to understand what's going on. Stress?

I will not fall apart. I will not fall apart. I will not fall apart.