WARNING: Stillbirth post. If this is something you can't handle - read no further.
I hold back a lot on this blog for fear of offending a reader. I wish I were one of those people who could write what's in my head & heart and do so unreservedly, not caring about offending others. Not that I attend to say rude things about anyone, that's not what I mean.
In person, I rarely curse but, there are times on this blog I want to throw a word out there. I don't do it because I think of people who read my blog and I don't want superfluous words to turn people off.
Anyway, one of the things I wish I were more open and honest about is my son, Nathan. I don't write much about him because I don't want to scare future or expectant mothers. I don't want people to sit around worrying if it will happen to them (and also because writing about him ALWAYS makes me cry - even now as I write this).
I posted this article on facebook yesterday and it only got 3 likes. I know why and it doesn't upset me. People don't want to talk about stillbirth. Most would rather pretend babies don't die. Or, accept that sometimes early miscarriages happen but, once you get past the 12 weeks, all is fine and dandy so let's not talk about it, okay?
That wasn't my reality though. I gave birth to death. I will never get over it, get past it or let that go. So, don't expect me to. Over time, I've adjusted to the cruelness of it. I will not stop talking about it, though. I won't sweep him under the rug.
If someone thinks I mention his name too much, that's your problem, not mine.
After I made a post about discussions we've had with Ryan about Nathan, a friend asked me a really offensive questions. She didn't mean to be offensive, she had no idea it would be offensive.
She asked why we're talking to Ryan about Nathan (and by extension, death). I hated that question deep in my gut. Nathan is our son and his brother. We do the best we can to explain to him now and as he gets older, he'll understand more and more. But, you better believe that Nathan is our family. He's a son, brother, nephew, cousin and grandson.
I know the only person who could ask such a question is someone who hasn't experienced the deep grief of a stillborn (thank goodness!). So, it's okay. I'm not mad about it but, the question really stuck with me and was on my mind for a while.
My son was born looking like a sleeping baby. A little rough around the edges because of what he'd been through but, he was a baby. A 4lbs 1oz little boy who was wanted and is loved.
This is all a bit deep for the holidays. But, I needed to get it out.
With that being said, I hope every American has a lovely and safe Thanksgiving filled with family and fun. I'm very much looking forward to it myself.
I can't even imagine having a stillborn baby. My heart goes out to every mother who has to experience that. I think it's good you talk to your son about his brother. People seem to forget that babies who pass were still loved, cherished, wanted. They were still people with a name and a birthdate and a family. I don't think we should be silent about them just because they aren't here on earth with us. I'm sorry that people can be insensitive
ReplyDeleteWell said. Thank you for being able to sympathize with bereaved parents.
DeleteMy son will always know about his brother. It's the only way that makes sense to us.
I had two siblings that died shortly after birth because they were very premature. I knew of their existence since I was a young child. I knew their names (Andrew & Cheryl). Andrew was my older brother, Cheryl was my younger sister. My mom's cervix was messed up from surgery as a teenager.
ReplyDeleteI actually wish my mom talked about them more, that we celebrated their birthdays, that we had pictures of them.
It might be sad that I have always understood that just because you are pregnant, does not mean that you get to take home a baby in nine months - but that is the truth for my family (and many others).
My brother and sister were very tiny, but also very much loved and wanted.
I like that you and other moms talk to their kids about their siblings. That is just my two cents from someone with an experience similar to your Ryan.
You truly must be a miracle baby yourself!
DeleteThank you for your kind words and reassuring me that we're doing right by Ryan.
And also, I'm sorry for the loss of your brother and sister. Did you ever go on to have a living sibling?
DeleteAhh, I'm so sorry about your loss of Nathan. I can only imagine the pain. It breaks my heart for anyone that has had to go through it. I think it's good to talk about Nathan. He was your baby! He was real! Most people just don't know what to say in fear of hurting you further. Thank you for sharing your heart with us.
ReplyDeleteThank you for reading something that I know is hard for many to deal with. I appreciate anyone who can read through it. :)
DeleteDon't let anyone tell you how to deal with your son or your pain. I can't even imagine what you've been through. No one should have to. But thank you for sharing your story.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for stopping by to comment. You're right, we have to do what we think is right for both of our sons.
DeleteI'm sorry that your friend asked the question, but I hope it gave you the opportunity to explain that just because Nathan didn't live outside your body, it doesn't negate the fact that he is part of your family. And thank you for sharing part of Nathan with us. Anytime you want to write about him, I'll be reading.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much, that's very, very sweet of you to say.
DeleteI'm so sorry for your pain and your loss. Losing a baby like that is just unfathomable. And not talking about it won't make it go away. It is part of your reality and Nathan will forever be etched in your heart. I'm glad you feel able to share him with Ryan and also with us here in blogosphere. Hugs.x
ReplyDeleteThank you, Haisla. I appreciate all the wonderful and kind words you've given me this year.
DeleteI am so sorry for your loss. It blows my mind that someone would expect anyone in your family to be unaffected by such a cruel death.
ReplyDeleteHi sprite, welcome to my blog. :)
DeleteThank you for the words. I'm not sure that people expect us to be unaffected so much as believe it's time to move on. Well, we have in many ways.