A little bit pregnant

Yes, you can be a little bit pregnant.
And the anxiety and ambiguity that comes with that is absolutely maddening.

As you know, my first test was, in my eyes, at least, ambiguous. Definitely pregnant but low beta numbers.

I remember back when I found out I was pregnant with Ryan, I took the HPT, it was positive so I called my OB (same OB I have now). He made an appointment for me that was at the six weeks mark. That's when he see's pregnant patients for the first time.

When I went in at six weeks, he did an ultrasound and we saw the heart beat. That was how it went going forward.

I vaguely remember him taking blood but, we never discussed HCG beta numbers or the such.

And, that's exactly how it happened with Nathan, too.

I joined due date forums and other women discussed beta numbers and compared but, I never had a clue what they were discussing. I read women comforting other women saying "maybe yours is lower because you ovulated late or implanted late".

This stuff was totally foreign to me and I had no idea what they were talking about.

The first experience I had with beta testing was at my old fertility clinic. The first month I got a call saying the blood test was negative. That was that.

The second month is when all those phrases that I didn't understand before became meaningful. My second IUI was "successful" but my HCG beta was 8.

The nurse said right away that it didn't look good but wanted me to return in two days for another draw.

I started to Google frantically. Yes, 8 is bad. That rarely ends well. But, I did find a few hopeful stories of women who started with very low numbers and went on to have healthy babies.

Next beta was still 8 so that was that. I went in for two more to watch for it to return to 0. This was my crash course in beta numbers and just how significant they are.

Since that call on Wednesday, my life has been a series of ups and downs. Hopefulness then anxiety - back and forth.

Today's number is important. If it's doubled (or more), I can breathe a very small sigh of relief. I can know we're headed in the right direction. Doesn't guarantee safety of course, but, nothing can.

My fear today is more ambiguity. A number that has risen but maybe not risen enough or one that didn't quite double but close.

I think that would be worse than being told it went down or it barely increased. With that, you know what you're really being told; this isn't your take home baby. It's time to let Mother Nature do her thing.

I stopped taking tests after Wednesday night because they weren't telling me anything new. The line is still light and I was looking for a pattern of darkening to ease my mind a little. They weren't getting darker.

This is the "hopeful" part, my doctor was completely unconcerned with the number. Well, it's hopeful but also somehow infuriating. He said it was so very early that he expected to see a very low number.

But, I can't help but think that if that same called had come from my clinic after a treatment, I'd be told to, once again, not expect much.

I can't control what I get told today. So, just in case, I'm thinking of the positives to take away from this should the news not be what I am hoping for.

I got pregnant on my own (well, James helped out)! Holy crap, I got pregnant on my own! It CAN happen. My OB was right when he said he did not think my cervix was an impediment.

The sperm can get to where they need to go, they just need to get hold of a good egg.  You better believe that should this little blastocyst not make it, we're going to go at it like rabbits in hopes we can catch a better egg next time.

That doesn't mean we won't pursue IVF in the new year as planned (assuming James' insurance still covers it - another anxiety fueled situation).

There is always a silver lining and getting pregnant, even a little pregnant, on my own is a pretty huge silver lining.