Thursday, September 18, 2014

This one is going to sting

I have handled all pregnancy announcements and subsequent births without drama. Because mostly, it hasn't been anyone very close to me. Co-workers I don't know outside of work, facebook friends I haven't seen since high school & Royals, no big deal.

None of my very close friends or family have gotten pregnant until now. And, this one stings.

My friend J (who I also work with) said she needed to tell me something yesterday so we went for a walk. How did I not guess her news? I truly thought she wanted to tell me some work gossip. 

It's lovely of her to want to tell me so early and before word got out because she knows how we've struggled.

But, there is more to this story. 

She and I were pregnant with our second babies at the same time, we had the exact same due date in fact. Only our stories ended very differently. I had a funeral for mine and not too long after, she delivered a gorgeous healthy son.

James and I have been trying for another one ever since we were given the all clear in 2012. Nearly two years now and I still don't have a baby and she's on her third. 

Now let me say, I'm happy for her. She wanted another one and she's getting another one. Even though I knew she was going for a third, I thought it would take a while since she's a few years older than me. But no, she pretty much got it the first shot. This is the first announcement that has hit me directly in the gut.

The thing is, it took hours before it had an effect on me. When she told me I was completely happy and told her it was kind to worry about me but I was fine. I said it because, I thought I was.

But, I was at work and had my mind on a deadline and once I had down time to think about it, I was gutted.

Not gutted that she is pregnant but, gutted that pregnancy has once again passed me by in favor of another. It sounds so incredibly selfish but, I feel like others keep getting my miracle. 

And on top of that, she's team May Baby. Something I had my heart set on so much last month. 

To add insult to injury, as James dropped me off at work this morning I saw a woman who works for my company but on a different floor. She had her first baby a couple months after I had Nathan. 

I haven't seen her in a while and guess what? She's looking at least 7 months pregnant. 

Am I somehow not deserving of another baby?
Have I done something so awful to make me not worthy?
Are my husband and I not good enough parents to the one we have?
Or, does the universe just hate me?

And right now, I don't even have an RE. I don't know if the one I'm interviewing next month (or, are they interviewing me?) will even take me on.

Please tell me, how do I keep my spirits up?
Not a rhetorical question my friends, I'm really asking for ideas on keeping my spirits up.


20 comments:

  1. I'm so sorry :( I'm sorry that any of us have to go through infertility. I think your thoughts are totally normal. You probably were super happy for her initially, but then, like you said, the news sunk in and you were punched, kicked and thrown to the ground. I remember when a friend of mine (who was doing fertility treatments, too) called me on the phone to tell me she was pregnant. I was happy for her, and shared in her joy, but as soon as I hung up the phone I began crying my eyes out. This is what most don't understand about infertility: we can have two conflicting emotions at the same exact time...and it's okay for us to be that way.

    As for how to keep your spirits up, the only thing that really worked for me was to keep reminding myself that life isn't fair, nobody stole a pregnancy from me and whether or not someone else gets pregnant (or loses a child) doesn't impact what will happen with my reproductive system. It's all about recognizing, and accepting, that we have NO CONTROL, which is a very, very hard thing to do.

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    1. "It's all about recognizing, and accepting, that we have NO CONTROL, which is a very, very hard thing to do."

      I had a friend tell me this very same thing today.

      And you're right, no one stole a pregnancy from me and I shouldn't feel like that. Let's face it, I'm just jealous. :(

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  2. Oh hon, I'm so very sorry. Happy for them/kicked in the guts for yourself is completely natural.
    You're not a bad person for feeling like you do, goodness knows I have felt some terrible things recently. And it totally makes you wonder why things are the way they are. And I guess there is just no answer.
    My sister is now pregnant again - still breastfeeding her 7-month-old. That isn't even supposed to be possible, but it has happened, and she really isn't ready to have a second baby when her darling firstborn is going to be 13 months old! Again, I'm happy for her, but...
    So if there was any justice in the world, this new baby should be mine, just like you should have got your May baby.
    Big hug to you Jessica. There is nothing wrong with good old-fashioned jealousy.

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    1. Thank you so much. I know you're all too familiar with how I'm feeling. Let's hope we both get what we desire very soon.

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  3. Ugh, I'm sorry to hear that. Emotions are so weird - I'm sure it's this way for you too, where some people get pregnant and you could care less, and others get pregnant and it's so hard to hear about. I try to remember that we are all fighting different battles. Some of us have to fight infertility battles while others fight marriage or health or financial battles (and some fight more than one) - so I try to hang on to being happy that I don't have to fight the battles that others do. At the same time, though, perspective can only be gained through time and even then it's tenuous - and there's nothing wrong with feeling the way you feel, it just is what it is and we get through it.

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    1. As always, you put things so well Megan.

      You're right, nearly everyone has some kind of struggles. I am grateful for all that I do have and I should remind myself of that more.

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  4. Hi! I;m here from ICLW, and am connecting to your story! The feelings bubble to the surface, and it's hard not to acknowledge that they are there. I wonder myself if it is ever going to get easier, or will I always feel pings of jealousy/sadness about my infertility.

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    1. Thank you My Vegas and welcome!

      I think it depends on the day and even the time (jealousy feelings). Sometimes I get jealous and sometimes I'm just glad I don't have to walk in their shoes when it comes to other problems they have.

      Let's hope it all gets easier.

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  5. I'm here from ICLW and I can say, that I totally relate. I think the only thing you can do is face your emotions for what they are...sadness, jealousy, anger etc and try and heal your way past them. Not totally, because that just doesn't work but just acknowledging that you do feel that way...crying, screaming, etc...then picking up the pieces to move on.

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    1. Hi there, thanks for reading!

      That's great advice and you hit the nail on the head. We have to pick of the pieces and move on, no matter how hard.

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  6. it's not that you aren't deserving, don't think that way. It's so freaking hard. Sometimes I wonder if I just don't want it enough but in reality it's not true. And it's not true that you don't deserve it. It's just a matter of finding what works sometimes.

    I wish I had better advice for keeping your spirits up, I tend to swing the highs and the lows pretty obviously and today is a bit of a low day for me which might be why I don't have any great advice. Just remember you do deserve this. And it's okay to be sad sometimes, it's okay to feel hopeless and lost. The best thing you can do is acknowledge those feelings because it helps reduce their power.
    <3

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    1. Hi Christy, thanks for reading!

      I am always questioning if I don't want it enough and feelings of just giving up pops into my head.

      But then I think how much I've tried already and I remember I have nothing to lose my continuing to try.

      I'm sorry you had a low day, too. Please keep in touch!

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  7. Oh man. Oh man, oh man. My heart just sank the more and more I read. Sending you many, many hugs and abiding with you in the pain. The best advice I can give you: breathe out the pain, the bitterness, the jealousy and anger (and acknowledge each as they leave your lungs and belly) - then fill that space with air and breath. No good thoughts, no bad thoughts - just air. And then with each breath, inhale: I am. Exhale: Strong. Inhale: I am. Exhale: Powerful. Inhale: I am. Exhale. Bold. I am. Beautiful. I am. Healthy. I am. Harmonious, Joyous, Loving, Loved and Worthy.

    Sending you all my light and love.
    ~Keiko
    ICLW #3, The Infertility Voice and #7 Good Strong Words

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    1. Wow, thank you so much! And thank you for visiting my blog.

      I love your advice and I'm going to work on following it as much as possible.

      I'm sending you hugs right back!

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  8. ICLW - Ugh, that's a crappie place to be in. I don't have any suggestions, but Im sending you all my love during this difficult time.

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    1. Thank you so so much Sharah - you don't know how much I needed that. I'm forever grateful.

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  9. ICLW here too - No, I don't think you did anything to deserve this. None of us did. I think it all comes down to bad luck. But keep your chin up because someday things will fall into place for you! I hope it's sooner than later. Sending hugs and positive thoughts your way :)

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    1. A fellow Jessica!
      Thank you so much for the good thoughts. You're very right, none of us deserve it and all we can do is press on and hope things turn our way.

      Good luck!
      Jessica :)

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  10. Hi from ICLW. I am so sorry that you've been lapped more than once by your friend. I had a sort of similar experience with my younger sister's two pregnancies. I hope your time comes soon.

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    1. Ouch! I think this would be even harder when the person is your own sister.

      Thank you so much and I hope your times comes soon, too.

      Good luck!

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