Wednesday, August 27, 2014

The calm before the disappointment

My husband pointed out this is a mixed metaphor. Still, it's apt.

The thing is, I know that the chances of an IUI working for me is less than 10% even with 88 million sperm vying for the love of one egg.

And now that we've agreed pursuing IVF next, I have ignored this TWW altogether. With that being said, I think I will still be disappointed next week when I get the inevitable BFN.

Now I can look back on the IUI journey and think about how much hope I had wrapped up in it. I'm not going to lie, I was 100% convinced IUI would work for us. In my head I was rearranging the 4th bedroom into a nursery. I was coming up with good arguments as to why we shouldn't find out the sex beforehand. It was a sure thing.

Until it wasn't.

So now, to distract myself (between my marathon of Gossip Girl episodes - don't judge) I have been doing as much research as possible on IVF, embryologists, clinics, assisted hatching and anything else I can think of.

I liked to be armed with information (you might recall my RE told me months ago that I am the most well prepared and informed patient he has ever had).

My in-laws are coming late next month and after that we'll decide when to start the IVF protocol.

In the mean time I'll focus on losing weight, getting back on track with healthy habits and working on just getting myself out of this total funk I've been in.

I'd like the blame that funk on the medicine, and it might be true. But, I'm also sure it has something to do with trying, and failing, month after month.

A break will be good for me. I need to find my positivity and motivation again. I'm not naturally a negative person. I haven't liked that side of me and it's been my own personal rain cloud all summer.

I love Fall and it's almost here, giving me every reason to accept good vibes back into my life.


  1. The funk is definitely caused by the month to month endless drag of hopes and disappointment. It is exhausting! And traumatic! I'm glad you've found Gossip Girls because you need to take whatever you can to get through this.
    Sorry you don't feel good about the IUI. Hopefully you're wrong and it will be a bfp next week. Really hope so. And if not, there's always IV-efffing fantastic just waiting for you. I know I'm not feeling positive about it for me, but I can pull some serious rays of positivity sunshine out of the bag for you!

    1. "IV-efffing fantastic" - I am definitely going to steal that at some point. Brilliant!

      Thanks for the rays of positive sunshine, too. It's funny how we can have so much hope and positivity for someone else, but never ourselves.

      One day we'll both have our THB. I don't know how long it will take or how they'll come to us, but it will happen. And next time we visit my in-laws in England, we'll have a play date. :)

    2. Ah, that would be amazing, what a lovely thought! Best get booking those plane tickets then, as it will be happening before we know it!

  2. I just caught up on your last 8 blog posts, sorry I got behind and haven't been commenting along the way. I still have my fingers crossed for you that this IUI will work, but I know that it's sometimes easier to go in thinking it won't, as then you won't be as disappointed. I think what you're doing in researching IVF is a great way to occupy your TWW, and while the break that Jon and I took was not what I wanted, it's what was needed. I'm so hoping that one way or another, after not too much longer, you have that BFP and then have that 2nd take-home baby.

    1. Thank you so much, Brianna. I always appreciate your optimism and comments, too.

      I started getting PMS type cramps yesterday so I'm sure I know what's coming but, I think I'm okay.

      What will be, will be. :)

  3. Breaks are always good - for all of us!!! Don't give up hope girl!

    1. Thank you, Caroline. I haven't given up hope but you're right, a break from the stress (and the meds) is just what I need.

      Thank you for your encouragement!