Saturday, July 5, 2014

Yesterday was wonderful, tomorrow will be terrible

Yesterday for the 4th of July my family came over to our house for cooking out and laughter.

It was great because my cousin, Fiona, is home from College. I couldn't have asked for a more wonderful day and ended it by watching Trump Golf Course fireworks from my front yard.

(Side note: Ryan is petrified of fireworks. So much so, that, he woke up this morning asking if they were over.)

All-in-all a wonderful day. I was happy even knowing what was looming.

Tomorrow, ugh.
Tomorrow we should be celebrating Nathan's 2nd birthday. But, instead, we'll mourn his death. His beautiful little life slipped away while I was sleeping without me ever knowing a thing about it.

I'll remember the very painful c-section I had to endure to give birth to a baby I would never, not once, hear cry.

This is the little brother Ryan has been asking for lately. Not Nathan specifically, he was too young to understand, but he wants a brother. One, I try to tell him he once had but, really, what good does that do? But, we do tell him we're trying very, very hard.

Last year on July 5th, I was at work and I couldn't make it through the day knowing what was coming. I ended up leaving early because I couldn't handle the well intentioned (and very loving) words from my friends at work. I love them and they love me and they wanted me to know they remembered. That's the greatest honor of my sons life that I could ask for. Acknowledgment.

This July 5th though, today, I decided would be different. I woke up and gave Ryan the choice of bouncy castles or Chuck E. Cheese.
His response was "bouncy castle, then Chuck E. Cheese, then beach".
Since beach was never on the table and we don't even live near one, we spent the morning at the bouncy castle place.

Ryan had a great time and it made me happy to see him having a great time. Today I feel more content than I did last year. I guess time does heal, at least a little.

I think, maybe tomorrow, we'll take Ryan to Chuck E. Cheese. It makes no sense to honor Nathan by sitting around moping.

A few tears are flowing so I'll sign off now.


  1. Hang in there. I can't imagine the pain - but it sounds like you're honoring his memory really well. <3

    1. Thanks again, Megan. I appreciate the kind words and you following my journey. It's very touching. :)