The calm before the disappointment

My husband pointed out this is a mixed metaphor. Still, it's apt.

The thing is, I know that the chances of an IUI working for me is less than 10% even with 88 million sperm vying for the love of one egg.

And now that we've agreed pursuing IVF next, I have ignored this TWW altogether. With that being said, I think I will still be disappointed next week when I get the inevitable BFN.

Now I can look back on the IUI journey and think about how much hope I had wrapped up in it. I'm not going to lie, I was 100% convinced IUI would work for us. In my head I was rearranging the 4th bedroom into a nursery. I was coming up with good arguments as to why we shouldn't find out the sex beforehand. It was a sure thing.

Until it wasn't.

So now, to distract myself (between my marathon of Gossip Girl episodes - don't judge) I have been doing as much research as possible on IVF, embryologists, clinics, assisted hatching and anything else I can think of.

I liked to be armed with information (you might recall my RE told me months ago that I am the most well prepared and informed patient he has ever had).

My in-laws are coming late next month and after that we'll decide when to start the IVF protocol.

In the mean time I'll focus on losing weight, getting back on track with healthy habits and working on just getting myself out of this total funk I've been in.

I'd like the blame that funk on the medicine, and it might be true. But, I'm also sure it has something to do with trying, and failing, month after month.

A break will be good for me. I need to find my positivity and motivation again. I'm not naturally a negative person. I haven't liked that side of me and it's been my own personal rain cloud all summer.

I love Fall and it's almost here, giving me every reason to accept good vibes back into my life.

Help from IVF'ers needed

I've been thinking more and more about the IVF process which includes thinking about the clinic I'm currently using.

I'm not unhappy with my clinic all but, since I'm moving on to IVF, I want to make sure I'm going with a place that will give me the best shot at getting pregnant.

The truth is, we chose our current RE because we were going to be paying out-of-pocket for IUI and price was a major factor. And, let's be honest, you don't have to have graduated first in your class to do an IUI.

But, now we have insurance that will pay for IVF and it's something that requires so much more precision than IUI. We need to know we have access to the best option in our area.

So the question to my readers is this: what do you ask when you're interviewing RE's?
How do you make comparisons beyond the typical "success rate"? I don't want to rely solely on success rate statistics because too many contributing factors go into that figure.

I know there are clinics who won't treat women over a certain age, or BMI or AMH/FSH level because they don't want their success statistics to be diminished.

My currently clinic is honest with you about the odds of getting pregnant based on your personal situation but they don't turn women away because the likelihood of it working are minimal.

What data do I use to compare clinics?
How do I know if they have a good assisted hatching program?

Please, any information or guidance you have regarding this would be immensely helpful.

Thank you in advance!

I choose to jump

"Jump or stay in the boat."

-Margaret Stohl, Beautiful Darkness

Or am I choosing to stay in the boat?

Either way, I'm signed up for another cycle.

Good news:

• I have 4 IUI cycles left
• I've reached the point where insurance will pay for IVF (4 cycles)
• They pay for assisted hatching!

Bad news:

• It's not likely they'll pay for ICSI because the only criteria for that is 2 abnormal sperm samples two weeks apart. My husband has excellent sperm.
• PGD is only paid for if we're both tested for a host of genetic factors and it's determined either of us are carriers of some sort of mutation. Unlikely since we've had two children with no genetic problems. Recurrent pregnancy loss and a stillbirth aren't factors at all.

Sad news:

• My friend is moving away. We've become close to her family after meeting through a stillborn support network. Her first daughter was stillborn the year Ryan was born. She's gone on to have two other beautiful daughters who I adore. She is an outstanding person and her husband is wonderful. Her husband and my husband both are Cricket fans and both support Liverpool. I love getting together with this family. But, life has called them to an opportunity is Georgia and they're leaving in a few weeks. It makes me sad because she and her husband are the only people we know in person who understand what it's like to have gone through what we did with Nathan. They understand the absolute pain of having a family member missing.
• We had a play date with one of Ryan's friends this weekend. I have become very friendly with his mom and I've confided our struggles with her. It turns out she's been there, too, having more than one failed IVF cycles herself. (She went on to conceive her two boys naturally!) Anyway, she sent me an email today saying I seemed down on Saturday when we met up. I honestly though I was hiding the disappointment quite well. Turns out I was wrong. But, I'm glad she asked because it let's me know that I need to make more effort in finding things to lift me up, even when things are very difficult. I have never been a mopey person and I don't want to become one now!

As for the IVF struggle going on in my head - obviously I chose to put that off another month. But, I did call the insurance company (who were very helpful and reassuring) and got all the information I needed/wanted regarding IVF.

So, I've taken the first steps towards accepting that IVF is probably the next rung in our infertility ladder. 

I never thought we'd be here. I never thought that getting pregnant would require multiple people in the room with me and one of them wouldn't even be my husband.