I want my innocence back!

When I was pregnant with Ryan (a honeymoon baby for real) we were so naive. As far as I knew, being pregnant meant having a baby in nine months (and, that's how it worked out).

We shared the news with our family at something like 6 weeks along. We had the ultrasound picture and showed it off like nothing ever could or ever would go wrong. 

How I miss being that person. 

As mentioned a while back, my friend/co-worker told me she was pregnant. She wasn't very far along at the time, maybe seven weeks I think. 

Having never suffered a loss, she had no reason not to share her good news. She got two lines on that pregnancy test therefore, she was having a baby. For her it was never a question, just a statement of fact. 

(She's still happily pregnant by the way)

For others of us, being pregnant brings just as much anxiety as trying to get pregnant. If you get the two lines, like I did in October, it means waiting on blood results and hoping for good numbers. In my case, I got a very low number that didn't double and we all know where that went from there, even if you didn't read my blog back then. 

Even if you do get a good number, you're anxious about that second number, then the third. We know what those numbers mean, what number we have to see next to lessen the anxiety. 

Even if all that comes together, you hold your breath until ultrasound day when you see that heartbeat.

And, because I've lost a baby at 32 weeks, I don't know if I would ever get the chance to relax until the baby is home and in my arms.

The friend I just mentioned doesn't know if her doctor ever did a HCG beta test and what those numbers even mean, anyway. 

I miss being that person.